Personal Marketing 101 (Online Dating)

I never thought I would have the knowledge to write anything like this, but here I am writing about one of the most annoying parts about being single. Let me be clear I could care less about the dating part, it’s easy to find people to go out with without using a dating site, but frankly dating sites are just one “hot mess” after another and I can’t stop reading them. It is better than the tabloids or the gossip section in a paper. I don’t know how to explain the idiots that post the most interesting stuff on dating sites, but you have to look for it. Facebook has nothing on dating sites.

Dating sites are full of crazy people who have no idea what makes a good online profile. Some profiles are short and some ramble on for days with no freaking end in sight. Dating is now a full blow “Marketing Effort” and most people are failing at it.  What I am going to try to do is help these poor lost souls with what not to do and if I can maybe post what to do.

Here are some of my observations.

Photos of you vs. About Me Section
On most sites you have the ability to post photos of you doing all kinds of wonderful things that might encourage people to think you are awesome. These photos are something I could ramble on for days about but the truth is they are there.

The “About Me” section give you a places to help connect the photos to a little story about who you are. That said the story you create with the photos should kind of match the story in the “about me” section. They should also make some sense and not be an endless list of things you don’t want in a partner. With that said they should not be a ramble list of all the stupid activities you think guys would enjoy.

I am going to lay out some of the problem areas when posting photos and then putting comments in the about me section that don’t match up.


Photos: Every photo is either you in a bikini or mostly wearing nothing. The biggest offender was a woman who was in a bikini in every photo and the photos were all taken from the feet looking up or the “Male Point of View” while doing “adult exercise”….you get the picture.

About Me: Would like to find a nice stable man to complete my life….long term relationship …. no one night stands ….if you are looking for a hook-up or sex do not contact me.

This is a very big mixed message. I was drawn to your profile by you being half nude and now you present the fact you are Catholic (we will get into religion later) and that you want a long term relationship…what? Your photos say “slut”  who likes to tan at the beach or pool and I can’t keep my clothes on, and your “about me” section says you are not looking to hook-up, and you want to attend mass once a week in your bikini?

Now which is it?

Are you a whore or are you looking for a long-term relationship? Without fail every profile with the slutty photos will have an added on section that says something like, if you are looking to hookup or to just have sex go away you crazy man! It is amazing to me they have not put 2 + 2 together to come up with the answer that photos or me half nude are going to attract guys who all want to hook up. I can only imagine every message they must receive going something along the lines of this:

Hey Hotness!

I am not busy tonight. You want to come over to my place and *&$&# on the *&^*(## while I *(&#&*#*(#)@*#*# all night long?


I mean why would guys want to do that? All of your photos say good honest woman who owns a pair of pants and a shirt? Oh wait….not really. Make the photos match the “about me” and you will stop the testosterone filled messages about hooking up and meeting for a quickie!

HINT : On my profile I put “I like cycling” and guess what I have a photo of? Me cycling! Imagine that?  This is not rocket science


Photos: Every photo is from the neck up all from above and your face looks pretty “normal”

About Me : Words like “exercise”, “running”, “outdoors”, “fitness” are all there but not a single “body shot” so we have some idea as to what we are getting into. Not a single photo of you doing one of these exciting activities. My assumption at this point (and I have not been let done or made wrong) is that you take only head shots because your out shape, overweight or think that is what some guys wants to hear. Of course we want you to be able to walk around downtown and catch dinner and a movie and not have to sit down on a park bench every 2 blocks. Where is the fun in that. Does the walk from the car to the restaurant leave you out of breath? If so you might want to do more of the “about me” section and less of the “eating” part of your profile.

Who are you?
When picking photos you want to pick photos that are of you, just you. I am not dating your friends or the people you hung out with last New Years Eve. I have seen some profiles that are groups of people in them and I have to thumb thru them trying to find the common thread/person in them to know who it is I am looking at. Even worse when they change hair color or how they dress in each photo and you can’t every figure out who the hell it is in any of the photos. There are times I would like to talk to the person just to find out who the blonde is in the second photo with the little black dress is and is she single? I hope it’s you but I am pretty sure it’s not since she is not in all of the photos, but who knows? Please be clear with your photos and who are you in them. Plus I am pretty sure you never asked your 7 drunk girlfriends if they wanted to be on a dating site with you.

Let me be frank, Halloween is a child’s holiday. I am not knocking your fun Halloween…go and have fun! Please enjoy yourself but for the love of everything that is decent….leave them off of the dating site!

Halloween: Kids go around from house to house to get candy, that is it. I really do not understand grown adults need to dress up unless you with your kids and having fun or are going to scare the crap out of the local kids at your house as you pass out candy to kids. Posting photos from the last five Halloween parties where you went as the slutty something or other is not making me think you are stable or even remotely interesting (see the first section). Again leave those photos for Facebook and your  gal pals, but for gawds sake leave them off of dating sites!

Baby Mama
Leave the photos with your kids on your iPhone and do not post them on a dating site. For that matter don’t post them at all. Leave you kids off the internet as long as you can!

I am not going out with your kids. I am trying to figure out who the hell you are and your kids are getting in the way of me thinking about what I should do on our dates. This is a real big issue for me. Why on earth would you put your innocent kids out there on the internet and expose them to a dating site? Are you just stupid? All joking aside if you are a responsible parent you should protect your kids and leave them off the internet for as long as you can.

Self Portraits
So you want to start dating and you need some photos. You go flipping thru your photos and none of them are of you! They all seem to be photos of food you uploaded to a site no one cares about…again. Now what?

I know. You can take them yourself. Just stretch your arm out above your head and snap away or better yet, find a mirror and take photos of yourself in front of it while you hold your crappy Android phone, iPhone 3GS, or even worse your Blackberry….oh the humanity!

There are so many things wrong right now with self portraits I could write for hours about it but we must rip it apart and get to the issues.

  1. Clean up the room you are in. If you are in your bedroom clean it up! Why does your bed look like it has never been made up? If you are a dirty person fake it for the sake of the pictures! For crying out loud no one wants to date you with a messy room unless they are helping you make the mess.
  2. If your room is pink with posters and looks like you are still 13 find a new place to take photos. A room like this is not going to get you a date unless you are an 18 year old girl living in Tokyo.
  3. If you are living with your parents, and you should really be working hard to get out but if you still do, be resourceful and have them take the photo(s) of you. Put those good for nothing parents who give you a place to live to use.
  4. If you don’t have any photos of you, then find a friend to take some. If you don’t have any of those friends to take photos of you, then you might want to work on that before you suck some helpless idiot into you messed up friendless life.
  5. Stop taking photos in the bath room and see rule 1…clean it up if you do.
  6. Find a person in a park to take photos of you for crying out loud. Stop taking self photos! They are stupid and all it says to me is I have no one in my life to take a picture of me, yes I am that sad now please date me…NO!
  7. Please do not post photos of your driving. This makes me want to find you, drive behind you and wait for you to take one of your annoying self photos and while you are snapping away, hit you from behind and spin your car around while doing 55 on the highway….STOP!

Responding to Messages
If someone messages you and they seem to have taken time to read your profile and send you a message and you are not interested, just message them back and say

“Thanks for sending me a message. no thank you.”

This is very easy to do and it only takes a few seconds. It also lets the person on the other end know you read the message, you are hideous, and I never want to meet with you ever, now give it up and move on, I am out of your league little boy!

I hear this complaint all the time and while I understand women on these sites get lots of messages and that it takes time to answer them, the least you can do is just be polite and say “no thank you.” See easy. Now stop being a rude bitch and answer those messages now!

I am fun…not really!
Your profile proclaims you are a boat load of fun. You love all your awesome girlfriends and hanging out with your family and pals all the time. You love the outdoors too, you love to fish and camp….oh god you are just so busy with fun…. plus you go to the gym 3 – 4 times a week.

With that said you had better be freaking fun as all get out! I mean really really fun! Chances are you are not that fun. Not even close and if push came to shove you would even bore the likes of me, and I know I am not fun all the time but I am funny and that is all I am selling sister, I am funny and I ride my bicycles distances that will make you shudder, that is what I am selling. Funny and Cycling…you want some of this it’s about all I have going for me. I also like to be dirty and say really odd things that are freaking funny. So that makes three things. You in?

As for the outdoors bit, I get it. Being outside (on my bike) is loads of fun. I love being outside (on my bike), but I don’t hike, or rather, I have not found a good reason to hike. Maybe you have some astonishing skill while you hike that would make it interesting, but at this point no one has taken me hiking and made it interesting.

Camping is another problem. I don’t know if you put down you like to camp because you think guys like that kind of thing or you really do like to camp? I don’t like camping  To me it’s a bunch of people going out to the woods to pretend that are poor for the weekend gathered around a camp fire, smelling like a camp fire and not taking a bath or shower for three to four days at a time. Sounds awful  unless….we are camping at the local hotel and then I might be OK with that, but not camping…in the woods…with a fire….and tents….no…no no no!

Recently I did date someone who when they found out I road cycle, they mentioned they did too. I am not a cycling snob and I sucked when I first started and some would agree I still do, but she sold it as a “common interests” then come to find out the longest she had been was about 7 miles and that was only once. I had mentioned over and over again how “this weekend we did 70 miles” and “this summer I rode the MS200 (200 miles in two days)”, so it’s not like I was hiding how much I ride.

We both breath, yes, common interest  We both have nipples, yes, common interest. We both have a bike, yes, common interest. Do you ride more than 40 miles in one go? no, so not so much in common. I would love to help you go farther. Stick to the things we have in common like eating, drinking water, breathing, and that kind of thing, then work out from there.

I would have let the cycling thing go but it kept coming up like she was going to pick the bike up one Sunday and do the usual 70 miles with me and the boys, I think not.

Part 2 will include: Religion, Duck Face, Old Photos, Smokers and Party Girls 


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