Personal Marketing 102 (Online Dating)

So you have read Personal Marketing 101 and now you are going to read 102. Super! We are going to dig deeper into the issues wrapped around online dating and why it is an absolute mess that clearly no one on these sites is aware of. I was thinking of starting a business to help people build a profile but I think those already exist. Plus you should never pay for advice from someone who clearly is this cynical. Sadly for comical purposes I purposefully have broken some of the rules. I just wanted to fit in.

The topics for today will include: Religion, Duck Face, Old Photos, Smokers and Party Girls

If Religion is important to you then please be up front with it. When someones profile says “Buddhist” or “Non-Religious” and you are going to Jesus Church three to four times a week and this is important to you, then you might want to either never contact that person or ask in the first 30 seconds of your conversation with them if that is going to be an issue.

Nothing sucks like getting a few dates in and the other person asks you about “going to church” with them and you responding to the answer with “I am Buddhist”. The blank stare is funny enough, even better is when they don’t understand what you just said.

“You are Buddhist? So does that mean you don’t believe in god?” she said,
“NO” I said,.
“Do you believe in Santa, Easter Bunny or Tooth Ferry?” I asked,
“NO” she said….
“Same thing!” said I.

Ah yes, I am required to know everything about your religious beliefs but try to not venture too far outside of your own. Sure this is a bit personal but it was the most annoying conversation I have had in a long time. Even better it was all over text. Then the other person says. My brother is Buddhist and I don’t like it, there are too many gods and deities!

Do you know anything about Buddhism? (hint in Buddhism there is no god or anything.)

Actually there are none of those things, you clearly don’t know much about your brother either. You might have the wrong religion. Now crawl back into your cave with Jesus and leave the rest of us alone.

I don’t want to seem like I am being mean to Jesus or “God” but frankly I am OK with you going to church. I am OK with you believing what you believe  It’s just fine. It is who you are and as long as you respect my ideas then I can respect yours. We don’t use the bathroom the same way so is it OK if we don’t do the same religious things that same way. In the end it’s the same result is it not. We use the bathroom or pee and we use religion to make our lives better, just the journey is a bit different  You sit down and I stand up? Sure it’s a hard analogy but I decided to use it anyway.

Duck Face
We all agree that the “duck face” photos of 20 somethings is annoying but when you are 45 it is just plain tacky. Really really look over your photos before you post them. Go back and read want I said in 101 please! Do not let your BFF tell you they all look great. She is an idiot! Better yet do this, get the office asshole to tell you if they look good or not and when he or she says “NO” take them down. Hire someone to take a few photos and post them. It may actually be the break thru you are needing to find the next prince charming. Just leave the bikini at home!

Put your tongue back in your mouth
I don’t care how f’ing old you are put your stupid tongue back in your mouth. No one wants to see that stupid thing and you look like idiot by sticking it out.

Old Photos
I am stressing the photo part as much as I can. If you have to take your smartphone and take a picture of a picture that is printed on photo paper from the 90’s then you are NOT allowed to post it. Period! We are not dating you from the 80’s and 90’s. We want to see the current you in all it’s lovely  form. You look wonderful! Post a recent photo. This is the one time you can leave the date on in the bottom corner of the crap digital camera you own.  If it is older than 2 years take it down. You know how much you have changed in the last two years and we need to know that. Then when you are done turn the date setting back off.

You know who you are. Don’t say in your profile you don’t smoke then have five pictures of you out clubbing and smoking. Either you think we all can’t read or you are posting “old pictures”  and if you can read, you will have just read not to do that any more! If you put you do no smoke then you need to really mean it. It’s a major selling point these days. If you do it every once and a while then yes, you smoke, so let’s not lie on this part. If you have smoked in the past and quit, I think you still need to mention it. It’s gross but at least you stopped. You have my first wife to blame for this amount of concern and now we move on.

Party Girls
This falls along the same lines as smokers. Too many of you single ladies (I can’t type that without hearing that damn song.) post wonderful write ups about yourself and how you want a nice guy who is honest, caring, loves to do things outdoors, hiking, and watch movies on the weekends snuggled up on the couch, only to post 27 photos of you out clubbing with the same 10 people over and over again. Not a single photo is of you on the couch with a good movie or hiking or doing fun things. The out door bar at the local club does not count. Again make the pictures match the descriptions.

There are three types of single girls out there right now, clubbers, divorced-clubbers, and decent girls.

Clubbers are the single women who have been clubbing for the last 20 years, are now 39 or 40 and want to find a decent guy to enjoy life with. Problem is…you have no idea what normal is anymore. Every guy you think is “OK” in the club is really a grade A douche bag. Let me assure you that decent guys don’t club and decent guys will notice you and never speak to you…you both live in separate parallel universes…..good luck.

Divorced-Clubbers are the women who have been married for the last 10 – 20 years. Got out of the marriage for whatever reason and hit the clubs every weekend like they just turned 21 today. They party all weekend, get drunk, (some air out their lady bits) and then want to explain to the new decent guy they just met how they went crazy right after they got divorced….and that scared the crap out of the new guy (he is thinking about all the STDs he is about to run into) and he will usually use something like religion to run as fast as he can.

Decent Girls are not on dating sites and are much smarter than we all give them credit for. You will never find them, they will find you.

The best part is in the profile when it says “I am tired of the club scene” and the same 27 photos of you in the club. I would be tired too if I had spent the last 25 years clubbing! Oh and here is a hint, decent guys all assume, be it right or wrong, that girls who like clubbing also like to go home with a new guy every night if you know what I mean. Now this may not be the truth but there is perception vs. reality. The reality is you like house music and fruity drinks, but the perception is you are a club whore. Perception will always win, you are a whore!

Hope this helps!

So I think we have covered the bases and my therapist would be happy and sad. I just saved myself $125 and she just missed out on $125. I will just split it with here and send her half.


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